I really just don’t belong here.
It kind of makes me mad when people assume that every girl that reads the book Wintergirls is using it to get “tips” and using it as the “ana bible”. Um, how about some people just think it’s a good book? How about some people think that it’s kind of an inspirational story about a girl who was suffering from an eating disorder and self harm and overcame it? Geez, just because you read the book doesn’t mean you’re pro ana. I’m against everything that is pro ana and I like that book. That book actually makes me want to get BETTER not worse. I know some do use it as a guideline to starve themselves, but not everyone. So yeah. End rant. Sorry just needed to get that out there.
so even though eating all day everyday, like i have to do on my meal plan, makes me feel worse than i did before and makes me pissed at myself and has made things, mentally and emotionally, so much worse for me, my parents are still going to put me through this. it’s not helping, so why are you wasting your money on me? it’s pointless. i don’t want to get better, and until i do, nothing is going to help me, so just stop trying. i don’t want your help.
my mom took me out to dinner tonight, so i probably screwed up the whole “115.5” thing. i’m so pissed off at myself. i am so freaking fat. i seriously hate myself. i can’t believe that i lost my self control. on top of that, my mom has noticed me eating less. i think i blew it off for now, but it’s definitely going to come back up. ughh.
i just wish one guy would like me. just one. that may sound shallow or whatever, but i just think it’d be nice to hear from a guy that i’m okay, or that i’m pretty or even cute. no guy has ever told me something good about myself. the only one who has told my best friend i was a bitch and said crap about me behind my back. so that kind of negated all of his “nice” comments. i know i shouldn’t find my self worth in a guy, but i just think that maybe it’d make me feel a little better.
i don’t know. this is probably a really stupid post.